My new favorite lyrics? Owl City-- "Golf and alcohol don't mix, and that's why I don't drink and drive."

Speaking of funny songs, I introduced my family to Flight of the Conchords [link]

I explained that they're Kiwis, but Brother says that that's no excuse.

I think the title says it all

Aaand...I've got a white Christmas!

"But Sister, think of this as practice for when you've got a minivan and you have to park on the grass because your driveway eats car tires."

[link]

Along with Vegemite and Milo, Tim Tams make up the triumvirate of Typically Australian Foods. They are, apparently, the number one food that Americans who study a semester in Australia feel the need to take back to the States in large quantities. I don't really see it, as much. The chocolate is that bizarre creamy kind that seems to dominate Australian candy bars.

That aside, there is a particular way of eating Tim Tams which was described to us during our very first orientation in Oz. You take a Tim Tam and bite off a corner. Then you bite off the corner diagonally opposite. Then you get a hot drink of your choice, and use the Tim Tam as a straw. The drink goes through the air bubbles in the biscuits and it very quickly becomes a warm soggy mess. Then you stuff the Tim Tam into your mouth before it disintegrates and falls into your drink.

I saw a few Americans attempt this, with varying degrees of success, but I had never found myself with a Tim Tam in one hand and a hot drink in the other at the same time.

Today I did.

It worked better than my wildest expectation. Damn it. I come to the US and finally found a way to eat Tim Tams which is awesomely delicious. Mmmm.

...Said our aspiring comedian, who doubled as a flight attendant when necessary. He was quite good, but I'm getting ahead of myself. This happened on the 4th (and last) flight I took on my journey home. It all started at 6:00 am December 5th Sydney time...

I finished packing, got on the 7:10 train, got to the airport, blah blah. As far as I can remember, my flight to Brisbane was uneventful. Then I got onto my flight back to the States. I managed to select the area where all the families with kids under, say, 5 years old were sitting. There were at least two babies (one in the row directly in front of me) who would scream at various intervals throughout the flight. That was ok, though, because I wasn't about to go to sleep. The flight left around 1 pm Sydney time (12 pm Brisbane time, damn them). So I wasn't feeling tired enough to fall asleep on an airplane until a bit before we landed in LA, which was approximately 2 am Sydney time, 6th of December (7 am Pacific time, 5th of December, damn them). I cleared customs with no problems (I think it helped that I didn't try to take any kangaroo, emu, or crocodile jerky back), and from the time I landed I had 6 hours to wait until my next flight.

That was the low point of my day. My flight wasn't until 8 am Sydney time. I drifted off a few times while waiting, but was almost immediately woken up by this annoying announcement about keeping close and *personal* contact with my bags at all times. Oh! Quick quiz. How do you know you've landed in an American airport?

Everything's automated in the bathroom, and the toilet flushes on you at unexpected times. Or else refuses to flush entirely. KILL.

So then I flew to Las Vegas. Landed approximately 9 am Sydney time, which is why, I think, I wasn't feeling tired anymore. I thought it was morning, while it was really the previous day's afternoon. Silly me.

Quick quiz! How do you know you've landed in Las Vegas?

There're slot machines in the departure lounges, and there's an advertisement about a place where you can try out machine guns. Oh America.

My flight left around 10 am Sydney time December 6th (3 pm Vegas time December 5th, damn them). By that time I was so uncomfortable from sitting in airplanes and I couldn't have fallen asleep even if I didn't think I was halfway through the next day's morning. And this is where the title of my journal entry comes in. He riffed on pretty much every aspect of the airplane safety lecture. Such as:

"In the case of a drop in oxygen, masks will drop from the ceiling. Put yours on, and pull the strings to tighten the mask to hide your look of terror from the other passengers. Then put the mask on the child you are traveling with. If you are traveling with more than one child, what in the world were you thinking, you'll just have to choose the one with more collegiate potential. Keep wearing the masks until a uniformed crew member tells you otherwise. If it's a naked crew member, tell us and we'll make sure the pilot gets back to the flight deck."

He got some applause at the end of that. The title of this entry comes from his spiel for after we landed: "Be careful when opening the overhead bins. Your luggage may have shifted during flight. Shift happens. And please check under the seat in front of you for any personal problems-I mean, belongings you might be leaving behind."

We landed around 2:30 pm Sydney time (10:30 pm December 5th Philly time, damn them). That's right. If you're going purely by timezones, my while trip by plane only lasted from 10 am December 5th till 10:30 pm, also December 5th. I think I gained about 24 additional hours somewhere in there.

I got home, tortured my brother (apparently my dad's taken to announcing, at every opportunity, "Ben, did you know they're building a Wawa?" They are indeed building another Wawa near us) so I hugged my brother, said "Brother, did you know they're building a Wawa?" and watched his look of annoyance. We also had a war over whose doorknob would sport the caution-tape bow I left on his door 4.5 months ago. I think I lost because I went to bed first. I went to bed around 4:30 pm Sydney time (12:30 am Philly time, December 6th, good riddance!) and slept for 14 glorious hours.

I have yet to alert my brother to the existence of the song 'Waltzing Matilda,' but I'm sure he won't have long to wait.